Being myself around people is possibly one of the hardest
things I have ever had to learn. It seems strange to think that something most
people are perfectly capable of doing, I am incredibly inept at. Personally I
have found that my lack of social skills is as a result of many factors: the
fact that I focus too much on being likeable, am rather self-conscious and that
I can be overly-sensitive.
Like many, I always tried to find excuses for my
quietness. One that I used frequently is:
“I have a damaged voice box, that’s why my voice is so
quiet. Plus it hurts sometimes when I talk.”
I have also used:
“I never have much to say, really.”
At one point I even contemplated the possibilities of me
having Asperger’s Syndrome, as a result of my lack of social skills. I know.
From the age of five I was always distant from others and
liked spending time on my own. I remember how I would join an already established
group of friends and join in with games. I would play for a short while, then
realise that I actually prefer hanging out on my own and then just drift off
without the others knowing. That was very typical of me: never able to stick
with people, and just accompany my companionless self. It’s as if my mind is
THE world, and everything else that exists just revolves around it.
I mentioned in my last post that I am an ‘INFP’. We are
described as quiet individuals who are open-minded, imaginative but hard to get
to know. Idealism and optimism are fundamental aspects of the INFP and can be a
strength as well as a weakness to us. We avoid conflict at all costs, and only
desire harmony in all aspects of life. Due to the emotiveness of INFP
personalities, we are considered to be ‘born writers’, who can sense and
empathise with the various undertones of profound poetry or literature. We are
creative beings who encompass the skill of compassion and are empathetic to the
opinion of others. INFPs have an innate ability that only allows us to see the
best in people. This links closely with the INFP’s idealism. The common
consensus is that: there is always something good in a person that shouldn’t be
overlooked, and is worthy of recognition. I guess you could say that we INFPs
are more glass-half-full people.
I guess a large part of me has always been at ease with
furthering myself from society. I enjoy knowing that what I do with my time is
as a result of my decisions. I enjoy knowing that I do not have to impress anybody
with my wit or personality and that I am content with myself. Because the
moment I involve myself with people, is the moment when I ‘lose control of my
life’. Hyperbolic, I know. I guess it is because I am a people pleaser first
and foremost. That doesn’t mean I am satisfied with the process of being one,
but I always seem to find myself in the position of helping others before
helping me. As a result, I tend to choose the option of accommodating for
others rather than myself, which makes me feel like my grasp on life is being
taken away.
Many times I have mentally planned out my day and looked
forward to it optimistically. Then, somebody comes along and either asks me to
do something or invites me to join them somewhere and then my day pans out in a
way that is completely different to what I had initially anticipated. Some days
it happens for the better, but most days not so much. Even if the day is
improved by said activity, the fact that it was not the original plan that I
had created unsettles me. I like doing things my way in the way that I had
planned, whether or not I even had a plan to begin with. It is the control of
making the decision being taken away from me that bothers me because the option
of accommodating for somebody else is now on the table instead. I guess this
may be hard for others to comprehend. We INFPs are pretty illogical at the best
of times.
All sorts of explanations can denote why we can’t just be ourselves. We may be worried that what we expose isn’t up to the par of other’s expectations, we may not want to indulge people who we think aren’t up to our own par, we might not have even discovered who we really are, which to be honest is a whole other discussion. The point is that it’s not for other people to dictate who you are, or make you feel as if you are being judged. It’s easier said than done but still true. At the end of the day, we all have something to say or do that we feel have meaning.
The first step to being you is having the confidence to
speak up. If you have something to say, say it with conviction, like you really
believe it. One way to improve this is with your body language.
o Remember
to always stand straight, not hunched
o Make
eye contact with the person whilst you are speaking. Otherwise, I would say
optional (unless the situation warrants it)
o Don’t
look down, ever. This just brings your spirits down too
o Keep
your arms by your side or on your hips. Just anywhere but crossed or folded in
front of you. It closes you off from the person. Putting your arms in the air
like you just don’t care is even a better alternative
o Always
speak from your stomach. Breathe so that your abdomen expands and contracts,
not your chest. The air being pushed from your stomach and diaphragm elevates
the momentum of your voice, pushing it further out so that it appears louder. A
louder, clearer voice will help people to take you more seriously.
These tips are bound to draw in people, and your opinions
will gain more respect as a result. Now in terms of knowing WHAT to say,
there’s only one way around that. The more you know, the more you can talk
about. You don’t have to be a genius in computer programming but make the
effort to know what is going on in the world. Read/watch the news, keep up with
pop culture, read books or watch television shows/movies, learn new skills
regularly or travel. One day you are bound to meet someone who has the same
interest or shared the same experience as you.
Scenario 1: you mention to your friend that you watch Avatar: The Last Airbender, and she, on another occasion, introduces to fan fiction. You then bond over writing a FanFic of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Fool proof.
Scenario 1: you mention to your friend that you watch Avatar: The Last Airbender, and she, on another occasion, introduces to fan fiction. You then bond over writing a FanFic of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Fool proof.
Scenario 2: you are studying biology with someone and
they sing under their breath the reproduction song from Grease 2 (the only good
thing about the movie) and you mention to them that you love that song, and
then you bond over your love for musicals and bitter dislike for Grease 2.
Distancing yourself from the world and all that is in it
is not the best game-plan if achieving any life goals is part of your agenda.
No matter how unsociable us INFPs get, we must remember that we need help from all
sorts of people if we are to succeed. So I suggest that we find people who
share our interests, or are in a position to help with whatever project we
shelved over a year ago. For INFPs like myself who probably have bad
communication skills (or Conversation Fright as I like to call it), test the
waters by saying hi to your shopkeeper or have a chat with a classmate or colleague.
It could be anyone, even someone waiting at the bus stop with you. The point is
to not be afraid of speaking to randomers, because for all you know there might
just be a certain common denominator between the two of you. At the end of the
day, it is pretty hard to be yourself with people when there ARE NO PEOPLE
AROUND IN YOUR LIFE (no pessimism intended). As a bit of a social experiment, I
will do just this and post any interesting findings that I come across.
Mona’s Final Thought: We have seen today that it is not
really possible to have sustainable relationships with people if you are not
willing to put the work in to be yourself. This post will have hopefully given
you some ideas in overcoming Conversation Fright. It really can’t be that bad,
can it? I find it just as frightening as you, but I guess the key is practice.
The more we put ourselves out there and speak to people, the easier it’ll
become, right? And when you think about it like that, the only reason
extroverts have it easier is because they have had more practice time, because
while we introverts have been stuck under a rock, they have been out in the
world speaking to people and doing things. It doesn’t necessarily mean
introverts aren’t good at it, it just means we haven’t put in the time. So get
out there, and meet people, and go do stuff!
Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.
Peace out!
